I am Afraid of This Birthday

Great NASCAR race today at Phoenix! Kevin Harvick almost won in the end, but ran out of gas. Still hung on for second.

I may have a short post up later on after I am done screening for ideas this week. I would say I am more cautious coming in to this week then I have been all year so far. It's really a key week for momentum going forward or stalling out and reversing. I have a more personal post tonight that has been rolling around in my head for a little while.

I am Afraid of This Birthday
I am a huge lover of Christmas. The only thing bigger to me during the year are the birthdays of those close to me. I mean, it's YOUR day right? I am usually excited about birthdays and I really enjoy them.

But not this year.

For reasons that are not scientific, grounded in fact, or even make much sense I am afraid for my birthday this year. I will turn 36 next Monday (the 12th) and I have been wrestling with a inner fear about this one for about 5 years.

It all started when my father died long ago in 1996 at age 50. I never thought anything could happen to that man, even with his many issues. A heart attack caused by a transient blood clot in his heart rendered him legally brain dead, and a little over a month later he finally passed on. A horrific was to go and a terrible thing to see, trust me. I never really thought about something like that before, never really felt even a hint of mortality. I was a stupid kid after all.

But really it's all about 2007.

My older brother ruptured his Achilles tendon doing a stupid cartwheel trick (I have no idea) and he was offered two options. A longer recovery period without surgery or a surgical procedure to speed up the re-attachment process and a faster recovery time. My brother lived in Cambridge and walked everywhere so it was no surprise he opted for the surgery, though my Mother advised strongly against it.

A couple of weeks after the surgery and in a huge cast, my brother suffered a double pulmonary embolism by dislodged blood clots and died within minutes.

He was 36 years old.

I turn 36 next Monday.

I have been afraid of this birthday for years. I know it's a crazy thing. And no one can really help me. How much can the words "there is nothing that was not a freak accident in both cases, the odds are against anything happening, just relax" really soothe?

I cannot forget the terror and sorrow when my mother called me to tell me my brother had died on the telephone. That woman has had to bear so much sadness in her life, I felt a little part of me die to see her so lost. I know parents are not supposed to have favorites, but I am "her boy" and I would trade all I have for a guarantee that nothing will happen to me while she is still alive. I am scared, I do not think she could handle it at all.

I am sharing this because I have sat on this fear for a long time. Maybe getting it out into the light will help me confront it. I know that this is not very rational, but I feel it just the same. 36 is coming up next Monday one way or the other.

Have a good night.